Good spas have no need for chairs shaped like shells. Or a ‘relaxation area’ as grey and bare as a prison cell, stocked with dog-eared editions of Glamour, a dirty CD player (minus CDs), and pool views. Especially when said ‘pool’ is shallow, tepid and oddly shaped. You might think this would be obvious to the bods that design spas, but I encountered these monstrosities in a recent London spa trip. I might not have minded if it hadn’t been my best friend’s hen-do, which I’d organised.

Back then, I hadn’t heard of BookaSpa. This is a website that seems so obvious, so on the money, it’s hard to understand why I didn’t come up with it myself (damn). The premise is simple: a selection of the best – most luxurious, stylish and certainly shell-chair–free – spas and deals. Plenty of these spas boast stellar pedigree, housed in plush boutique hotels. BookaSpa also has a clever USP: you choose between two types of experience: a) indulgent, which means you get a bottle of wine and chocolates during the trip (huzzah) and b) virtuous, which means you get fresh fruit and something else calorie-free when you visit (yawn).

Of course, having experienced spa hell, there is no way I could recommend such a service without test-driving it first. As a result, I found myself slipping across ice from Stoke Newington to Clapham in order to test out Hotel Verta’s shiny new spa, right by the London Heliport. Now, this hotel ‘s helicopter-graced patch of London might not seem an obvious choice for a sumptuous spa, but don’t be put off by first impressions. Inside its big, boxy facade, the hotel is smart and knowing, run by the kind of efficient staff that communicate with each other wordlessly and problem-solve without even furrowing a brow.

The gleaming bar beckoned to me, but I was here with one thing in mind: wellness. I descended to the bowels of the hotel and was kitted out with a robe and slippers. Pre-facial, I had the run of the facilities, and explored them all: a sleek steam room ingeniously equipped with a shower attachment so you can hose yourself down when things get too, erm, steamy, a sauna with coloured lights, a hydrotherapy pool boasting an array of jets and gadgets, and a sociable set of footbaths (where I befriended a fellow spa-bunny).

By the time I was summoned for my treatment, I was almost reluctant to move. However, I’m glad I did, because my facial was amazing. I knew it would be from the first moment, when my therapist, Leila, placed a deliciously warm, damp towel over my aching feet. (Instant bliss.) Slack-jawed with pleasure, I lay like putty in Leila’s hands. Facials always seem to involve a mind-boggling array of unguents, and this was no exception. In this case, they were by Anne Semonin, a luxury French brand. Standout moments include having a fragrant balm applied to my eyelids, a gel mask to my cheeks, and a tissue serum all over. When Leila finished, I had a new understanding of the phrase ‘squeaky clean’.

Amazingly, post-facial, the pleasure continued. I was sent to a genuinely restful relaxation area, where I was effectively put to bed and given a bellini sorbet. If I could have moved, I’d have made some herbal tea – as it was, I was too lazy to even ask someone to make me one.

I’d like to say I’m writing this from there, Esquire in hand, bellini by my side – but sadly, all good things come to an end, and eventually I had to uncoil myself and trek back across London. But, looking five years younger, it was more than worth it.

Spa days at Hotel Verta with BookaSpa are currently £125 a person, including lunch and a one-hour treatment (massage, facial, manicure or pedicure)

www.bookaspa.com

Hotel Verta, London’s Vertical Gateway, Bridges Wharf, Bridges Court Road, Battersea, London SW11 3BE; 020 7801 3500