The dust is settling on 2009, an apt metaphor perhaps, considering the volume of apocalyptic movies released and the ensuing destruction revealed. I saw 258 films at the cinema. So was this year something to be excited about? With a heavy heart, I have to say no. Don’t get me wrong, there were some impressive films; however it was a struggle to come up with a Top 10 as very few films blew me away. It’s never a struggle though to arrive at a worst of list, only how to narrow it down....

The Worst of 2009

The films that nearly made the list:

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; Trash Humpers; Amelia; 20th Century Boys; In the City of Sylvia; Outlander; 12 Rounds; Blood: The Last Vampire; Crossing Over; The Taking of Pelham 123 [remake]; White Out; Gamer; Surrogates; Bluebeard; The Portuguese Nun; The Exploding Girl; Hadewijch; Thorn in the Heart; Kamui; Jennifer’s Body; Couple’s Retreat; 2012; and The Box.

The actual worst:

10. Avatar
Nearly $300 million and four years in the making, and this was all that could be come up with? A cliché-riddled, leaden, direly written tedium. With woeful acting.

9. The Time Traveller’s Wife
Great novel, inept adaptation.

8. Nowhere Boy
A comical interpretation of John Lennon’s formative years, with Lennon and McCartney hilariously miscast.

7. The Boat That Rocked
This finally confirmed that writer Richard Curtis (Four Weddings, Notting Hill) should not direct (see also Love, Actually). Is this what cringy middle-aged middle-class folk think is cool? Embarrassing guff.

6. Paul Blart: Mall Cop
A sad movie about an over-weight shopping mall security guard’s low self-esteem that believes it’s a comedy. It isn’t.

5. The Spirit
Frank Miller co-directed his own graphic novels with Robert Rodriguez and turned in the brilliant Sin City. He adapts Will Eisner’s classic adventures by himself, and turns in the most boring, wooden comic book interpretation I’ve seen at the cinema (even more than the Fantastic Four films).

4. Bride Wars
If I was a woman I would be seriously offended by this inane look at weddings. If it had been more successful it might have set the clock back on womens’ lib.

3. Terminator Salvation
I’m a big fan of Christian Bale. He rarely puts a foot wrong. However, this joins his dragon film (Reign of Fire) as one of the true duds. The director of the Charlie’s Angels was somehow thought of as a solid choice to look at the futuristic terminator wars. We got an illogical, nonsensical mess that lacked any thrills. Why so high up on the list you may ask? Well, cos this had the potential of being gripping blockbuster cinema of the highest order.

2. Notorious
All the way through this seemingly hagiographic portrayal of rap star The Notorious B.I.G. I wondered how much of this was actually true, and not just rose-tinted bullsh*t? Then I saw in the end credits that P Diddy and B.I.G.’s mum produced it. That answered my question.

1. X-Men: Wolverine
Play a drinking game while watching this, and have a shot every time you spot an action and/or a comic book cinema cliché. You’ll probably be having your stomach pumped by the end of this incompetently made, on every level, waste of time. I didn’t think the X-Men franchise could sink any lower after the third one. I was wrong.

My Favourites

Phew, the bile is out of the system!

Like I said it’s not been a great year, but these films are of a very good quality and/or extremely fun...

The ones that nearly made it:
In the Loop; Starsuckers; Defamation; An Examined Life; Four Nights with Anna; Regrets; Moon; Crank 2; Land of the Lost; Mother; Paranormal Activity; Ip Man; Thirst; Polytechnique; and Where the Wild Things Are.

The Top 10:

10. The End of Poverty?

A brilliant essay on why there are so many in the world that live in such a horrendous state, giving history, context, reasoning and even solutions. I cannot recommend this highly enough.

9. Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
Who would have guessed a movie with Mariah Carey and Lenny Kravitz in it would so good? Don’t worry they don’t star. The real stars are Gabourey Sidibe and Mo'Nique, together with screenplay writer Geoffrey Fletcher and director Lee Daniels. This deftly moved between pathos and optimism, lightly and with ease. A harrowing tale on paper that doesn’t feel so in the execution, as it is deeply engaging and moving.

8. Anti-Christ
Severely disturbing in places, but as a dissection of grief and arrogance, very different.

7. Milk
Biopics often feel forced, especially the modern ones. Here though Gus Van Sant (Elephant; Good Will Hunting; My Own Private Idaho) fashions an affecting look at Harvey Milk, the San Franciscan politician, without hagiography. This is also combined with great writing (Dustin Lance Black) and acting (Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, James Franco, Diego Luna and Emile Hirsch). Check out the documentary from 1984, The Times of Harvey Milk, to see what a first-rate job they all did.

6. Zombieland
I love zombie films, and this action-horror-comedy delivered the goods.

5. JCVD
Imagine Being John Malcovich with kung fu. If a couple of years ago you had told me a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie would have been in my Top 10, I would have had to anachronistically quote The Bunny and the Bull and say, “Are you trying to f*** my face?”. Though here he is. Jean-Claude plays a fictionalised version of himself, who gets caught up in a Post Office heist in his native Belgium. JC can act. You have got to see this.

4. (500) Days of Summer
A fantastic post-mortem on a relationship that see-saws backward and forward in time. A romantic-comedy-drama better than just about everything out there in the same vein at the moment.

3. District 9
I love me a grand allegorical sci-fi parable. An emotional, exhilarating look at apartheid.

2. Enter the Void
The most extraordinarily directed film I’ve ever seen at the London Film Festival in the 10 years I’ve been attending. A two hour 40 minute magnum opus on addiction, family, bereavement, sex and regret.

1. Star Trek
Take note blockbuster makers, this is how to do it. Also a lesson in how to expertly resurrect a dead, creatively bankrupt franchise. It lacked any subtext, but is a breathtaking joy-ride along the lines of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yes, that entertaining.

The Hemanth Awards

Not as prestigious as the Oscars, but here goes!

Best Picture

City of Life and Death
Enter the Void
In the Loop
Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
Regrets
Samson & Delilah
The End of Poverty?
The White Ribbon

Best Director

The ones who nearly made it to the list:
Joon-Ho Bong (Mother); Joel and Ethan Coen (A Serious Man); Duncan Jones (Moon); Spike Jones (Where the Wild Things Are); Chuan Lu (City of Life and Death); Samuel Maoz (Lebanon); Chan-wook Park (Thirst); Oren Peli (Paranormal Activity); and Denis Villeneuve (Polytechnique).

The Nominees:

Jacques Audiard (A Prophet)
Neill Blomkamp (District 9)
Michael Haneke (The White Ribbon)
Armando Iannucci (In the Loop)
Gasper Noe (Enter the Void)

Best Writing

The ones who nearly made it to the list:
A Prophet; A Serious Man; Ajami; Doubt; Gran Torino; Looking for Eric; Mid-August Lunch; Moon; Passenger Side; Rudo Y Cursi; Samson & Delilah; Sin Nombre; and The Ape.

The Nominees:

Doubt
Duplicity
In the Loop
JCVD
Milk
Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
Regrets
Star Trek
The White Ribbon

Best Cinematography

The ones who nearly made it to the list:
A Christmas Carol; Bright Star; City of Life and Death; Encounters at the End of the World; Helen; Let the Right One In; MICMACS; Mother; The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; The Hurt Locker; The White Ribbon; and Watchmen.

The Nominees:

A Serious Man
Anti-Christ
Avatar
Enter the Void
Polytechnique
Star Trek
Where the Wild Things Are

Best Actor

The ones who nearly made it to the list:
Yvan Attal (Regrets); Joxean Bengoetxea (Ander); Sacha Baron Cohen (Bruno); Vincent Cassel (Mesrine); Matt Damon (The Informant!); Clint Eastwood (Gran Torino); Colin Firth (A Single Man); Gianni Di Gregorio (Mid-August Lunch); Christian McKay (Me and Orson Welles); Ian McShane (44 Inch Chest); and Viggo Mortensen (The Road).

The Nominees:

Peter Capaldi (In the Loop)
Sharlto Copley (District 9)
Philip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)
Sean Penn (Milk)
Christopher Platz (Inglorious Basterds)
Sam Rockwell (Moon)

Best Actress

The ones who nearly made it to the list:
Valerie Bruni-Tedeschi (Regrets); Mati Diop (35 Shots of Rum); Vera Fermiga (Up in the Air); Deborah Francois (The First Day of the Rest of Your Life and Unmade Beds); Marissa Gibson (Samson & Delilah); and Ok-bin Kim (Thirst).

The Nominees:

Kate Jarvis (Fish Tank)
Hye-ja Kim (Mother)
Mo'Nique (Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire)
Carey Mulligan (An Education)
Denise Newman (Shirley Adams)
Gabourey Sidibe (Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire)
Meryl Streep (Doubt and Julie & Julia)
Audrey Tatou (Coco Before Chanel)

Best Documentaries

Defamation
Henry Clouzot’s Inferno
Starsuckers
The End of Poverty?

Best Animations

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
Fantastic Mr Fox
Up

What about the future...

My Most Anticipated Movies of 2010

10. Invictus
Dir- Clint Eastwood; St- Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon.
He has surely now earned the title of ‘Master Filmmaker’, Eastwood hasn’t put a foot wrong in a long, long time. Here he teams up with Damon and Freeman, who plays a role he was destined for, Nelson Mandela. And there’s rugby.

9. Tron Legacy
Dir- Joseph Kosinski; St- Jeff Bridges, Garrett Hedlund and John Hurt.
It’s been over 20 years since the groundbreaking original where Jeff Bridges got sucked into a computer game. It’s the sequel. Bridges is back too. The production design looks striking. Hopefully it will live up to the original.

8. The Expendables
Dir- Sylvester Stallone; St- Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Steve Austin, Danny Trejo and Dolph Lungren.
Stallone knocked Rambo out of the park. Here is his men on mission, with a quite frankly awesome B-movie cast. NB/ Bruce Wills and ARNOLD SCWARZENEGGER are cameoing!

7. The A-Team
Dir- Joe Carnahan; St- Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley, Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson; Jessica Biel and Patrick Wilson.
The director of the awesome Narc, and one of the magnificent car ads of all time for BMW, better not molest my childhood memories like Michael Bay has done with the Transformer duds!

6. The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo/The Girl Who Played with Fire/The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest
Dir- Niels Arden Oplev/ Daniel Alfredson; St- Michael Nyqvist and Noomi Rapace.
One of the great modern crime novel trilogies have all been adapted, and being released here in one year. Please be impressive!

5. The Tree of Life
Dir- Terence Malick; St- Brad Pitt; Sean Penn
His last film flopped, A New World, but was absolutely extraordinary. Reclusive Malick’s new one is a mystery shrouded inevitable epic.

4. Robin Hood
Dir- Ridley Scott; St- Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Mark Strong, William Hurt and Max von Sydow.
Can Ridley Scott return to the form of Gladiator and Kingdom of Heaven Director’s Cut with his take on the legend?

3. Green Zone
Dir- Paul Greengrass; St- MattDamon, Greg Kinnear, Jason Isaacs and Brendan Gleeson.
Director Greengrass (The Bourne Supremacy; The Bourne Ultimatum; Bloody Sunday) adapts Rajiv Chandrasekaran’s fantastic piece of journalism, Imperial Life in the Emerald City. So few films tackling the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have been any good, fingers crossed this will add a tick in the win column.

2. The Social Network
Dir- David Fincher; St- Andrew Garfield, Rashida Jones and Jesse Eisenberg.
Fincher is one of the most gifted directors ever. The Curious of Benjamin Button looked amazing but was not well written; but here he teams up with writer Aaron Sorkin (The West Wing; A Few Good Men; Charlie Wilsons War) to look at the rise of Facebook.

1. Inception
Dir- Christopher Nolan; St- Leonardo DiCaprio, Michael Caine, Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ken Watanabe and Cilian Murphy.
The director of The Dark Knight, The Prestige and Memento is delivering up a new blockbuster that is a thriller set in the “architecture of the mind”. Check out the trailer involving a city folding in on itself. Likely to be both intelligent and gripping!